


Everything but mine

by bluerobot



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Off the wagon, Possibly Unrequited Love, Substance Abuse, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-10-30 10:12:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10874619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluerobot/pseuds/bluerobot
Summary: When Kevin announces his departure, one of the boys struggles with it a lot harder than the other four.





	Everything but mine

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. None of this is real or ever happened.  
> Kev's a bit of an ass in this and there isn't really a happy ending. Sorry, everyone.

**-Prologue-**

The sun sits midway between the horizon and overhead as the boys soak up the glorious Cali weather from a rooftop restaurant. There's not a cloud to be seen in the sky, but they can all feel a dense, grey one lurking over their table, swirling with words being left unsaid. Each of them know why they're really there. And, eventually, Kevin addresses the elephant in the room as their brunch plates are being cleared.

“I know I told you guys that I would think on it. And I have,” he begins.

They're all staring at him, hanging on his words. There's a rare moment of silence between the five of them.

Kevin swallows. “And I've decided this is really what I wanna do.”

“Kev-” Nick starts to protest but Brian, sitting next to him, waves a hand in his face to shush him. He nods at Kevin to continue.

“Like I said before, I just don't got it in me to keep on down this path. Kris and I wanna start a family, and I'm… I'm ready for a new chapter of my life.” Kevin looks at each of them in turn with sincerity.

Howie and Brian nod. Nick frowns and opens his mouth to protest again but, after their previous (somewhat heated) discussions, he hasn't got much fight left in him. Instead he sighs and shakes his head.

“So, this afternoon, I'll be speaking with management to make this official.”

Howie is the first to respond. He's just as sweet and supportive as always, his tone even and calm as he asks questions. He tells Kevin how he couldn't deny the changes he'd seen in him, that the light in Kev's eyes had dimmed a little recently. As he's sitting next to him, he slings an arm around Kevin's shoulders and gives him a quick squeeze, telling him he understands him completely and wants the best for him.

Nick looks a little wounded, fidgeting with the salt and pepper shakers. Several weeks ago, when they first discussed together Kevin's desires to call it a day, Nick had lost his temper. Nick had thrown things across the room. He'd yelled about Kevin abandoning his brothers. He'd called him a traitor for the potential struggle he'd cause the band to carry on as a 4-piece. He'd questioned why the boys weren't enough family for Kevin, and told him they were all the family he needed.

But, right now, sulky looks aside, Nick seems to be okay. Maybe the 2 mimosas have softened his edges and mellowed him out a bit, but he finally seems to be accepting this. Nicky jokes that, without Kev, they'll make the best album they've ever made. That Howie might get some solos for once (this results in him getting a sharp kick in the shin under the table from ‘Stealth D’). Nick tells Kevin that he expects him to be at “every single goddamn show.” Kev laughs, highlighting that it kinda defeats the point of quitting and not having to travel so much anymore. Before Nick can lose his smile, the older man promises that he's truly excited for the future of BSB and is here to support them.

Brian expresses his enthusiasm about maybe becoming an “uncle”, and gushes about how having Baylee and becoming a daddy changed his life. He laughs and tells Kev they can swap bad dad jokes. Like Howie, he is nothing but supportive, and says something along the lines of: “I know that God has a great plan for you, cuz.”

But amongst all the hype, Kevin feels there's something out of place. There's one voice missing. Kevin glances up to the head of the table where AJ is sitting, uncharacteristically quiet. He's staring at the table in front of him, absently picking dirt out from under his manicured fingernails.

“Aje?”

AJ looks up from the table surprised, like the question has lured him out of an intense train of thought. He smiles, but something about it is hollow and doesn't seem genuine.

“Whatever makes you happy, Kev. I just want you to be happy.” AJ looks away from him, unable to maintain eye contact. “We- we all do.”

**-1-**

Out in the Hollywood Hills, Kevin lies sprawled across his couch in front of the TV. Two men on the screen bicker about NCAA teams when his cell takes him by surprise, buzzing to life in his pocket. Sighing, he lifts his hips slightly to fish it out of his jeans. The little screen is illuminated with green letters, _Nicky Cell_. He flips open the handset.

“Yeah?”

“Hey, it's me.”

Kevin scratches at his goatee, not taking his eyes off the TV. “Wassup? You back in Orlando?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Nick's tone is...off. “Thinking about getting some lunch with Howie. You at home?”

“Uh-huh. Just watchin' CBS sports.”

“The rundown?”

“Yep.”

“Cool.”

There's a pause. Kevin blinks and rolls away from the TV to gaze at the ceiling. “Everythin' okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Listen, have you heard from AJ at all, like, recently?”

“Naw. Not really. Not for a few weeks. Why?”

“Yeah, me and D were just talking about it, and neither of us have either. And he's not picking up his cell or landline. So…”

Kevin suddenly sits up, and shuffles round to stick his bare feet on the cool tile floor. “Well, I hadn't thought nothin' of it, you know? But if he's totally dropped off the radar… Maybe this ain’t a good sign. Is he okay?”

“I dunno, dawg.”

“Anyone spoken to Denise?”

“Me and Howie were thinking that we don’t wanna make her worry, to be honest. Maybe someone should go check in on him or something? I mean it’s probably nothing, but maybe someone should go and check he’s doing alright.”

“Yeah, maybe someone should.”

Another pause. After a beat Nick clears his throat. “‘Cause you know, me and D are here. Bri’s not-”

Kevin cuts Nick off with a loud, disgruntled noise as he runs a hand down his face.

“Kev?”

“Dang it. You know it’s like a 45 minute drive from here? It ain’t like he’s next door.”

“Yeah but, I mean-”

“I know, I know. I’m on it.” Kevin reaches for the remote and switches off the TV. “It’s just, I know I’m gonna get there and this’ll all’ve been a big misunderstandin'.”

“Yeah. Thanks, though, Kev. I’m sure it’s all fine.”

“Yeah. I’m sure he’s just found some girl or somethin’”

“Sure.”

“We’ll talk later.” Kev snaps the cell phone shut and clutches it tight in his hand.

A few minutes pass while Kevin stares at the coffee table, chewing his lip. He hasn't spoken to AJ since _that_ brunch, about 5 weeks ago. He’d thought maybe it was just because he was a little sore about the news, needed some time to digest it and process what that meant for the future of the band. But what if he'd taken it harder than he thought? What if something really was wrong? Should he have checked-in with him before now?

He sighs before hauling himself up from the couch and calling out,“Kris, honey? I gotta head out a couple o' hours.”

**-2-**

As Kevin cruises down the Pacific Coast Highway towards Malibu, he struggles to keep his cool and resist the urge to stand on the gas pedal. A million and one thoughts run through his head, each one an attempt to refute the last, a complete whirlwind in his mind.

_He’s just been busy. Maybe his cell is broken, wouldn’t be the first time. But then why wouldn’t he pick up the landline? Maybe he’s just at a girl’s house. Or out. But what if it’s not a coincidence? You haven’t spoken since that brunch. What if he’s fallen off the wagon. No, don’t say that. But he is on his own at home, all it takes is one drink and…_

“He’s fine!” Kevin suddenly barks out loud to his empty car, a clear message to the voices in his head to shut the hell up. “He’s fine.” He repeats again, this time quieter and calmer. “You’re being ridiculous. You’re overthinking it. You’ll pull up, see that ostentatious 4x4 in the drive, knock on the front door, and he’ll answer. And he’ll be totally fine and totally surprised you’re there. And he’ll explain everything and laugh at how worried you look.”

_Right?_

**-3-**

Kevin does pull up to find AJ’s 4x4 in the driveway of his home. It’s a nice place, perhaps a bit big for a bachelor, tucked on a hillside and overlooking the Cali coast.

The first knock at the door is normal. Calm, casual. Just a rap of the knuckles. No yelling. Just a simple knock. Because there is nothing for Kevin to be concerned about. He rings the bell, too, for good measure.

But there’s no answer. And for every second the door remains shut, Kevin's concerns begin to mount.

“AJ?” He calls out as he bangs on the door a little harder this time. “Alex, are you home?” He stabs at the doorbell a few more times.

Kevin's yelling is only met with the distant sounds of the California waves and the traffic down by the shore. He sighs and rests his forehead against the frosted glass of the door.

“Could just be asleep. Or got a cab out.” Kevin murmurs. But no matter how hard he tries to reassure himself, he can’t ignore the fact his heart rate is definitely beginning to rise.

He continues to pound the door with his fist a few more times before realising it isn’t changing anything. Like the door, all the street-facing windows of AJ’s home are frosted, which doesn’t help Kevin to deduce what’s going down. He turns around to lean his back against the door and pull his thoughts together.

A woman out for a jog eyes Kevin wearily as she runs past. He offers an uneasy smile in return.

His continuous door thumping is obviously not going down well with the neighbors. With that, and a small part of him still convinced that he is getting worked up about nothing, Kevin decides this situation doesn't quite call for the breaking down of another door over his bandmate. Instead, knowing that if AJ was indeed home he would most likely have left a back door unlocked, Kev opts to climb the side gate.

The gate leads to a path running down the side of the house and hillside to the lower levels of AJ’s home. After battling the overgrown bushes and blaspheming about the gardener, Kev finds himself on a terrace, and it doesn’t take him long to discover the door to one of the lower-ground bedrooms is unlocked.

As soon as he steps into the guest room, he senses something is off and, as he makes his way to the hallway, he starts to feel like the blood is draining from his body. The stench of booze hits him almost immediately. Like it’s been spilled all over one of these expensive antique rugs AJ picked up at a fancy auction.

“Alex? Are you here?” Kevin heads round the corner to check AJ’s bedroom. He knows what's coming but he still feels instantly sick in the pit of his stomach when he sees it - the near empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the nightstand. But it's not the only thing half empty, there’s a Xanax prescription bottle with a name on it that’s not Alexander McLean. Kevin frowns at it, squeezing it in his shaking hand so hard he could crush it, before whipping it at the wall.

“Fuck!” He snaps. “AJ, where are you?”

The bathroom is empty. The other guest rooms are empty. But he thinks he hears a noise upstairs in the living area. The blood pumping loudly in his ears makes it hard to tell.

As he heads for the stairs, Kevin swears it feels like pure acid is bubbling up from his gut and into his chest. His anxiety levels climb with every step up the staircase.

“Aje?”

Still no response. By now, Kevin starts to expect the worst and isn't sure he's ready for this.

He reaches the top of the stairs and turns the corner into the kitchen. He feels his heart drop right out of his chest and hit the ground. There, on the kitchen floor, AJ sits slumped against the refrigerator, knees pulled up to his chest and head between them.

“Fuckin'... Jesus…” Kevin exclaims as he rushes over to AJ and squats down next to him, pushing his head back to see if he’s conscious.

Kevin lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. A slight wave of relief washes over him as AJ’s bloodshot eyes look up from the floor towards his face. But they don’t meet the older man’s eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” AJ slurs. “I’m drunk.”

“I can see that.”

“Why’re you here? I don’t wanyu to see me like this.”

Kevin doesn’t know if he’s angry, or hurt, or relieved, or still worried. Angry at AJ for slipping off the wagon and doing this to himself, for undoing all the rehab, the hard work, for not answering the boys’ calls. Hurt for seeing his friend in pain, and that AJ hasn’t told him about whatever problem has driven him to drink. Relieved he is actually fucking alive and conscious. Still worried because he doesn’t know the extent of this damage.

Remembering the pill bottle, Kevin’s thumb pulls at AJ’s eyelids to examine his pupils. “What did you take?”

AJ scowls and pulls his head away from Kevin’s touch. “Ish just...is just alcohol.”

“ _Just_ alcohol?”

“Yes!” AJ dismisses, somewhat irritated.

“Do I need to call an ambulance?”

AJ looks away to his left and out of the full length window across the room. The view rolls down to the shore and beyond, the vivid blue of the Pacific lining the horizon. After a moment he shakes his head.

Kevin brings himself from sitting on his haunches to slump onto the floor in front of his bandmate. “Goddamit, Aje. You better not be lying to me.”

AJ continues to stare out the window at the waves along the coast. “No,” he whispers.

Kevin takes out his phone and starts a text message to Nick.

_[Found him.]_

He hits send and drops the phone back into his jacket pocket. He follows AJ’s vacant gaze to look out the window, too.

A big part of him wants to yell, wants to chastise AJ and berate him. Ask him what he was thinking. _What if you had passed out and not woke up? Have you thought about how somethin' like that would affect your mom, or me and the guys? Anyone you care about?_

But Kev bites his tongue. Deep down he knows that none of this will help. He reminds himself of all the effort AJ has made to stay sober, how long he’s gone without a drink. It can't have been easy and he knows he couldn't expect it to last forever. But that didn't make this any easier to deal with.

The silence is killing the older man. Not wanting to break it with a lecture, something trivial falls out his mouth instead.

“What you doin' on the kitchen floor?”

AJ half smiles to himself weakly. “Came to get ice. Then… dunno. Guess I blacked out.”

Kevin nods, expressionless. Still staring straight ahead and out to sea..

“Gonna have to go back to rehab, aren't I?”

Kevin nods, again, with certainty this time. But, realising it's not his decision to make, as an afterthought he says “Only if you wanna, Aje. Your choice.”

The tattooed man rubs at his sore head. “I'm sorry,” he says again, though he whispers it this time.

“It'll be okay, bro” Kev turns away from the vista and reaches out to pat AJ’s knee. “Everyone falls off the wagon at some point.”

AJ doesn't respond, just focuses on the rise and fall of the Pacific waves.

Kevin studies the smaller man’s face and form. His big brown eyes are vacant and lack their usual sparkle, engulfed by dark circles. His sweatpants and tank top look as though they haven’t been changed in almost a week. Kev feels something inside him break from seeing AJ like this, slumped on the ground, disheveled, pathetic and hopeless.

That time in the hotel suite, all those years ago, that had been different. AJ had been high, manic and aggressive. Cackling like a madman through that damned unbreakable door. When Kevin thought back to that day all he could think of was how delusional and confrontational that man had been. All the denial and hysterics. It wasn't AJ at all, it was someone entirely different down to the core. He had seen nothing of his brother in that man.

But this man in front of him now, this is AJ. Just not the one he’s familiar with, who’s normally full of life and humor and hugs. It's AJ, but like someone stole the sunshine from his soul. Kevin chews his lip, anxious.

His phone buzzes in his jacket pocket. He pulls it out and flips it open.

_[Is he okay?]_

_[Well, he's alive]_ Kevin types out. There'll be time to explain everything later.

“I'm sorry,” AJ slurs again. “I wasn't tryin' to… I juswanned to numb everythin'. I jus', I couldn't….” his voice fades.

Kev puts his phone away. “Couldn't what?” He frowns, concerned.

AJ shakes his head. Kevin readjusts himself on the floor, desperately trying to meet AJ’s gaze. But he won't look him in the eye, no matter how hard he tries.

“I just, I just couldn't deal-” AJ's words are cut off by a strangled sob. “I need another drink,” he struggles to try and get up off the floor, but Kevin’s large hands pull his weak, drunken frame back down.

“Not on my watch, dawg. You've had enough.”

AJ keeps shaking his head as tears begin to spill down his cheeks.

“What can't you deal with? Talk to me, Aje. I'm here for you.” Kevin can feel the frustration starting to drip out of him through his tone, “I drove all this way. So talk. Ain't that what your therapist told you? Talk about your problems instead of drownin' 'em in liquor? I'm here and I'm your fuckin' friend, ain't I?”

AJ clasps his hands to his face, the tears in full flow, sobs escaping through the gaps in his fingers.

Kevin hates this. Kevin _hates_ this.

“Please,” he reaches up to take one of AJ's shaking wrists, pulling the hand from his face. He gives the crying man’s hand a squeeze, and speaks softer this time, “Jus' tell me what’s goin' on, Alex.”

AJ looks down at his hand in Kevin's. Feels the warmth and strength. His breathing slows as he regains some control over the sobs. He stares at the floor in front of Kevin, but still not at the man himself. He looks pensive, arranging his thoughts.

“When you said you were going,” AJ croaks out, more tears still close to breaking through to the surface. He tries to begin again. “When you said you were going,” he says more clearly, “to move on and start your family and I… and I…” A couple more tears slip out and AJ scrunches up his face in frustration.

Kevin understands that AJ is drunk, but he's never seen him in this much of an emotional mess before.

“Hey, hey, no. AJ, look,” having not let go of his hand, Kev gives it another squeeze. “Please, I gave you my blessing to go on, Alex. It's not the end of the band and you know it. You'll always have the music. And me. You should know this, dawg. I'm not going anywhere, really.” Still no eye contact. Kevin shakes AJ’s hand assertively, “You know I'm always gon' be a phone call away. Just like always,” he pauses, “but that ain't worth shit if you ain't gon' pick up your phone.”

Kevin's words don't have the comforting reaction he expects. It only seems to draw more fresh tears. He’s at a loss, here.

“No.” AJ complains, tugging his hand from the older man's to wipe at his eyes. “That's not it.”

“I… then I… then I don't understand?” Kevin stammers, not knowing what else he's supposed to say.  
  
AJ is silent for a moment, focused on the kitchen floor tiles, which are dancing around in his drunken head. His breath and mouth stutters but no words come out, until “I… I love you, Kev.”

“I Iove you too, dawg, but what’s-”

“No!” AJ snaps. It startles Kevin so much he feels himself physically pull back. “No, you don’t get it.”

“I don't... What do you mean I…”

AJ finally, _finally_ , looks up from the floor to meet Kevin's gaze. Kevin sees the look in those red, tear-stained, drunkenly-lost eyes. And he understands what AJ means. What all of this has been about. The reason why AJ is drinking. He feels his throat close up completely.

“…Oh,” Kevin croaks. It’s barely above a whisper. He has no idea how in the world he's meant to handle or react to this information. But his mouth starts to offer up responses before his brain has time to think. “AJ, I… I’m married t- to Kris. And I'm not…” Kevin swallows, “I'm not... gay.”

He stumbles over the words so uncomfortably that it just rips up AJ’s already fragile insides like tissue paper.

“I always thought maybe there was still a chance.” AJ says, the edges of his vowels still tinged with a boozy slur. “I thought maybe someday something’d change. Maybe you'd feel the way I do. That I could make you see… make you feel…I dunno.” AJ feels dizzy, his vision like a busted VHS tape, a combination of the liquor and the anxiety of this situation. He pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to make the room stop spinning. “But now you're settling down. Starting a family. It feels so final. Like I missed my window. I jus- I know I’m never gonna have my chance.” AJ’s voice starts to crack into tears once again, “How am I supposed to live like this, feeling this?”

Kevin starts several sentences but they go nowhere. After a while he begins to string one together.

“I… I'm… I'm... I dunno if I’d use the word flattered, maybe that's not the word I'm looking for, or maybe it is, I dunno.” Kevin rubs at his temples. “But… you know, Aje, this ain’t somethin' that can ever happen. Not in that way. I’m sorry, I dunno what you were seein', but that chance weren’t ever there. I never meant to give you that impression.” Kevin tries to look AJ in the eye again, “But you'll always be my brother, you know this.”

Kevin is just twisting and twisting the knife, whether he means to or not. Through the stabbing pain in his chest, AJ manages to whisper “I always thought that maybe- maybe just…”

“Maybe just what?”

Without warning, AJ suddenly jolts over, wrapping a hand around the back of Kevin's head and pushing a kiss to his lips.

Maybe three or four seconds pass before Kevin seems to relax under AJ’s grip, and his lips soften. Maybe it was longer, maybe it was shorter, AJ’s sense of time is completely lost.

AJ pulls away to breathe, just far enough back to study Kevin's expression. His breathing is shaky and Kevin must be able to smell the acrid stench of alcohol on his breath. With blurry vision, he searches the older man’s face for some sort of answer that this is okay. He looks to his eyes, his lips, and back to his eyes again.

Kevin is a waxwork of himself, shocked and frozen in place. But just as AJ is about to release him from his grip, Kevin is shutting his eyes and leaning back in towards him. AJ kisses him again, more tenderly this time.

The tattooed man inhales deeply. The beautiful smell and feel of Kevin fills his senses. The brush of his goatee and the woody hints in his aftershave. He's ranks above AJ, who smells like smoke and vomit and whisky.

For a moment AJ feels euphoric, like he's flying. But, before he can truly begin to relish the feeling, Kevin suddenly protests against his lips, and pushes him away with such force that AJ almost feels winded as his back hits the refrigerator.

Kevin swipes at his mouth with the back of his jacket sleeve. ”What are you doing?!” The tone he uses brings AJ crashing back down to earth.

“You- You kissed me back?”

Kevin doesn't acknowledge that statement. “What are you doing?” he repeats, disgust in his voice and his eyes.

“I- I dunno. I- I'm sorry.”

Kevin sits there, flabbergasted.

“Kev, I-”

“No. No. You know what? I'm tryna stay calm here, baby, I really am. But… no. Just no.” Kevin stands and brushes down his jeans. “This ain't a thing, AJ. I can't fuckin' believe this shit.” He points a shaking finger to the younger man’s head. “I dunno what sorta fucked up fantasy you got goin' on up there, but it ain't gonna happen. I gotta life. What did you think would go down? That I'd suddenly turn gay, drop Kris, drop everything, just run off with you into the sunset?”

AJ is still as a statue on the floor, catatonic with alcohol and shock. The sobbing has stopped but a couple of leftover tears escape down his cheeks. “I don't know,” he whispers, frozen solid.

Kevin can hardly bear to look at him anymore. He let's out a breathy laugh of disbelief as he rubs at the back of his neck. He starts to shake his head. “I… I can't do this. This is insane-”

The other man shakes his head, too. “No- Please... Kev, I'm sorry-.”

“No, AJ. Sorry ain't gonna cut this, dawg. ‘Cus what am I meant to do with this information now, huh? You didn't even think about the impact of any of this, did you? Are we supposed to go on like normal? Act like none of this happened!?” Kevin begins to turn away but switches back on his heel, almost tearing hair from his head. “I just- I can't even _believe_ that you'd drink yourself half to fuckin' death over this ridiculous fantasy.”

AJ is back to crying. He reaches to grab at Kevin’s ankle and stop him from leaving, but he loses his balance and topples over when his heavy drunken limbs don't work the way he wills them to. “I'm so sorry. I've ruined everything,” he weeps, face pressed against the floor.

He looks pathetic. Kevin feels so sick inside seeing him this way that he wants to cry himself. A guy he loves and calls his brother, now a pitiful, drunken shell of a man, bawling into the tiles. He feels tears beginning to form in the corners of his own eyes.

AJ pulls himself to sit back upright. “I wanna turn back time. None of this woulda happened, Kev. Kev, please, I just wanna go back to normal.”

“Yeah? Well, what even is normal for us, AJ? Because right now I have no idea what of any of this, anything ever, has been real. Evidently my idea of how things have been goin' down has been a totally different reality to yours, so...”

There's no answer. AJ’s head is back to being buried between his knees.

Kevin turns away and heads for the door.

“I can’t _help_ the way I feel, Kev.” Even though it's wetly mumbled from his knees, something in AJ's voice tells Kevin this is more than a passing phase or a drunken mistake, it runs much deeper.

Kev pauses in the doorway to take a deep breath.

“I'm gon' book you into rehab. A car will be by to pick you up tomorrow morning. If you don't go, then, well…” Kevin trails off. He never finishes the sentence.

When AJ lifts his head, Kevin's gone.

**-Epilogue-**

The eight weeks of rehab are the toughest AJ has ever been through. Against the recommendation of his therapist, he isolates himself completely from friends and family in the outside world and won't take visitors, not wanting to have to stomach telling people why he ended up here. A little part of him wills for Kevin to come rushing in, demanding the attendants let him see AJ despite his requests, insisting that he has to talk to him. But after two weeks of watching the door, he accepts that perhaps Kevin won't be showing up with a grand gesture.

Denise has tears in her eyes when she comes to pick up her son. She squeezes him so tight he has to beg her to let go. He can't believe she flew all this way to meet him. He tells her immediately he wants to come home with her. He can't bear to go back to the house in Malibu for fear of the memories it'll trigger. And he doesn't want to be alone right now.

Under his Mom’s watchful gaze, AJ avoids the temptations of booze. Naturally, he tells her everything about rehab. About his feelings for Kevin. The thoughts he had. About that night in the kitchen. About the kiss. He gets through most of it without crying, despite starting to choke up towards the end. But he's had 8 weeks to cry already.

Kevin doesn't call. But Brian calls once a week to chat about how he's holding up, and mostly to talk about sports. Howie meets up with AJ for day trips to the beach, and every Thursday they go to play pool. Nick leaves his games console at AJ’s and comes over often to battle him for hours.

When they're done with the games one evening, they decide to binge watch AJ’s Friends box sets. Denise brings them sodas and a freshly microwaved bowl of popcorn to eat. She always loved to ‘play Mom’, even now her baby boy is 28 years old.

“This is amazing, Denise, thank you.” Nick instantly takes the bowl from her and digs his hand in greedily. “Yo, AJ we should totally get Kevin around for a movie marathon!”

Denise sees the look of panic breaking across her son’s face and quickly tosses out the life ring. “Nick, I hope you've got room for ice cream because, lemme tell ya, I’ve got a whole freezer full that I could use a hand clearing out!“

Nick grins and nods, mouth already full of popcorn.

AJ shoots his mom a “thank you” look. Conversation averted, but he knows he can't go on like this forever. Nick doesn't know. None of the boys know. How would they? They all just assumed that Kevin had called or dropped by, just like they had. Being a therapist, Denise isn't best pleased with her son’s unhealthy decision to keep things bottled up, but she will be the last person to push him into opening up if he's not ready.

Another 8 weeks down the line, AJ shows up to the recording studio to find the other three remaining boys already there.

“Hey!” They're all smiling at him as he comes through the door, like if they had a champagne bottle they'd be popping the cork.

“Wassup, fellas.” AJ can't disguise the fact he's a little confused by the way they're all looking at him.

“You got the call, right?” Howie asks, brightly.

Before AJ can answer, Brian pounces on him, wrapping him in a bear hug. “I can't believe I'm gonna be an uncle!”

AJ’s heart sinks as he realizes what Brian’s saying.

“Yay!” AJ says, putting on his sunniest tone. It almost comes out sarcastic.

Brian lets go and smacks AJ playfully on the arm. “I know you're already one to Baylee but come on! Just let me have this, it's my first time! I'm so excited!”

AJ laughs and squashes each thought of Kevin's lips that suddenly tries to wrestle itself to the front of his mind. “Sure, Bri.”

Nick looks a bit grumpy. He's no doubt jealous of the new baby and the attention it's already getting. Brian dances over to him and beams. “I'm gonna be the cool uncle! Cool uncle B-Rok!” He's so far up in Nick’s face that Nick has to push him away.

“Get him on the phone!” Howie smiles. “We should all congratulate him and Kris together. Plus we should let him know we're missing him and thinking of him and stuff.”

AJ feels his heart rate go from normal to panic in a split second. “Oh, guys, I dunno, you know. I mean, recording an album without Kev it's like- are you sure you wanna ring him like, right now? I mean…”

But Brian's already dialed.

“Hey Bri, wassup?”

“Kev, bro! How's it goin'?”

Howie and Nick lean over Brian's shoulder to whoop a big hello into the handset.

“Hey, man congrats again!” Grins Howie.

“We love you guys! And we miss you so much, dawg,” Nick adds.

“We really do miss you, cuz. I gotta tell you, it's dang strange not havin' you here with all of us.”

“Oh,” Kevin says, voice tinged with a little discomfort. “Is… is AJ there too?”

“Yeah! Of course!” Brian laughs at the stupidity of the question.

“I wanna talk to him!” Nick whines, trying to grab the cell from Brian. Brian swats him away.

Kevin swallows. ‘Is he o- … How's he doin'?”

Brian chuckles in confusion “I thought you spo- You wanna say hi?”

“Oh, no it's okay, I-”

“Look, here he is” Brian thrusts the phone to AJ’s ear. AJ doesn't move to take the phone, doesn't say anything, just freezes on the spot. Brian raises an eyebrow at him and, with dramatic and comical fashion, takes AJ’s hand from by his side to wrap it around the cell.

“H-hey, Kev.” AJ stammers out, weak. The other 3 are all watching him. For the first time in a long time AJ isn't enjoying being the center of attention. He sticks his tongue out at them and turns around to face the corner of the room.

“Hey… How you feelin'?”

“Better.” AJ says, trying to muster a smile. “4 months and counting. Still taking each day as it comes.”

“That's cool. Good for you, Aje.”

“Thanks.” AJ looks over his shoulder nervously, not wanting to let on anything to the guys. They seem to have found some refreshments and are once again distracted. “H-How are you?”

“Yeah, um… I guess the guys told you-”

“Oh,” AJ says, “Oh, yeah.” He has to remind himself to breathe for a moment. “It's _great_ Kev. Congrats, really. I'm so pleased for you guys.”

“Happened a lost faster than we were expecting,” Kevin half chuckles.

“Right. That’s… Good for you guys.”

“I... I've gotta go. You guys kinda caught me at a bad time. But I'm…” Kevin inhales deeply, “I'm glad to hear you say you’re okay, Alex. Keep it up.” It sounds sincere. But, God, does AJ’s heart ache every time he says his name that way. He couldn't be more eager for this torment to end.

“Thanks. See ya.”

AJ hangs up. He stares at the phone before he feels eyes on his back and turns around. Nick is all but standing over him. “He's gonna call me back, right?”

“Yeah, Nick. Sure.” AJ pats him on the shoulder and moves to slip past him. "Quit pouting, already."

Nick frowns and grabs AJs sleeve. "Here." He hands him a couple of bits of paper. “This one," he taps on the top page, "This is the track we wanna get down today. Howie reckons he can get the chorus in one take, so see if you can compete with that.”

AJ snorts a laugh and goes to take a seat. He begins to read the lyrics in his head. His heart feels like it's being shredded.

_You're the calm when my world is crashing. My heart, my blood, my passion. Tell me why you're everything but mine._

What he would give for a drink.

“AJ?” The producer's voice lures him out of his trance

“Yeah?”

“Let's go. Come on. Warm ups.”

“Yeah,” AJ smiles, ignoring the burning in his chest. He stands up and shakes himself out. “Let's do this.”

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by watching AJ's second Cribs episode in Malibu :p


End file.
